Shapes And Colors

When I was a baby, I stared at everything with wide-eyed wonder. Of course I don’t actually remember this but I’ve been told it over and over again, until the story implants itself as memory. The same can probably be said of my first actual “memory” of this world: me sitting on my dad’s lap and watching ET, completely mesmerized. I was only two years old at the time, could I actually remember this? Does it even matter anymore? The story has been with me so long, no matter whether it’s actual memory or not, at some point becomes irrelevant.

My father would always whisper to me, right in my ear, as I stared out at all the beautiful shapes and dazzling colors: what’s that? So much so, that when I was old enough to begin talking, it was a constant barrage of questions about the state of everything around me.

I’m still like that to this day and it’s still incredibly difficult to get me to shut up once I get going. I’ve learned a lot about myself since I made the move from New York to Texas. For one, There’s a rage inside me which fuels me in my daily endeavors, both creative and otherwise. I think I’ve been angry and frustrated at the world and at myself for not being better at handling the world on a daily basis. Writing has always been an outlet, allowing me perspective and time to see things in black and white. But the world isn’t black and white, is it? And it’s reductive to try and force your problems and issues into a singular camp. You’re not dealing with anything, rather, you’re compartmentalizing. When writing wasn’t enough, I’d just sulk and act bitchy with everyone and anyone around me. I’d project my own shit onto them. And then I’d retreat into myself.

My pets have always been the driving force for good in my life. They know. They always know. And they’re always willing to crawl through the storm for me. My pitbull knows that plopping her metric ton head into my lap can burn away nearly all the negativity in a room. She’s magic.

What I’ve learned to do over the course of 2021 is recognize when darkness is descending on me and deal with it head on. Ask myself questions and actually answer them. It’s like a flashlight with the power out — a beacon guiding you home. It’s daily work but it’s good work and it’s worth it.

I stepped away in June of 2021 because I was lost. I didn’t know what to do about anything. Earlier in the year, my wife of eighteen years began having an affair. To call the revelation devastating is an understatement. But what are you going to do? Give up? Quit life? And yeah, I thought about it but what’s even the point of that? You have to be willing to dig deeper and arrive at an absolute truth. Sit there in the depths of the bottom and look around before you look up. My marriage had gotten lazy and communication dried up. We spent ten years in bliss and then her accident changed our relationship — except we never acknowledged that. We carried on for another seven before moving to Texas and Covid hit — changing everything once again. The next year saw us both fall into unacknowledged, un-discussed, and un-dealt with depressions. We reacted differently. I shuttered in and she acted out.

It was easy at first for me to just blame her and be angry and bitter and hurt. She stepped out. But it’s not black and white. And once I looked around there in the depths, I saw my own failures and it was oddly comforting. It was okay because I was still here. Yes, life was going to be different. We separated. She moved out and began a new life with this person. It hurt but it was also okay. Things happen. Human beings are messy and life is hard. Mistakes are just that and sometimes mistakes aren’t even totally mistakes. They happen and then turn into flashlights themselves, showing us a new path. We’ve looked around and now the beam is shining up.

So I got a new job — one I’ve wanted for a long time. A rep for a paint company. I’ve been in the industry now for over twenty seven years so it was about damn time I really put the knowledge and experience to proper use. I crushed the interviews and began with a fervor. Turns out, this job is the EXACT job my entire skill set has been designed for. I’m paid to talk to people and teach them things. It’s a match made in heaven. Hell, I’ve learned about the four main types of people you encounter: talker, supporter, controller, doer. You guessed it, I’m a talker. And talk I must. And talk I do. Everyday. All day. I’ve met tons of awesome people at the five stores I’m responsible for and every day is just a little bit different. I love it and I’m happy again.

And sure, the personal stuff is still there to deal with but we’re finalizing the divorce and it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. There’s no bitterness or anger. Why spend your time holding onto to this resentment — it’s pointless. So I don’t. I smile and think about the great run we had and I allow myself to be excited for the rest of my life. I’m forty-two, there’s a lot left. I’ve met someone new and she’s pretty much the coolest person I’ve met since I’ve been out here in Texas. She gets me and that’s a great head start.

So yeah, I’m back. The writing never really stopped but it did get too sad at one point and then fragmented but soon, the fragments began taking shape once again and the fire began building once again and here they just exploded into shapes and colors.

And I still find them beautiful and dazzling.

Next week, my favorite films of 2021. Until then, love each other.