I’m floating
among the debris
all my hopes and dreams surround me
weighed down by my failures and hang ups.

Haven’t been myself for a while
tried so hard to stop every tomorrow from becoming today
lost myself for too long
ignoring all who love me because why?

Because I couldn’t handle what was happening and I didn’t like who I was. And so I shuttered myself in, battened down the hatches, determined to retreat into the cellar. But the storm was already here. It was already inside and I was the one who let it in. At first, it tricked me but soon it was me who was the driving force. I was the storm and I was out searching for anything to destroy. The infection grew to the point where I lost the will to do anything about anything. A feeble acceptance of a faux fate. I couldn’t even recognize my own face in the mirror.

Joy became a four letter word
deception breeds obsession
or is it the other way around?
I wonder.

Words felt like an unending gun fight
punctuation piercing me like lead
and then the unthinkable happened
and I really didn’t know what to do.

I searched for answers but the quicksand caught hold. They tell you not to struggle but something told me to fight. Something told me this was it. All or nothing. Yet I spiraled. Then I prayed. I prayed to a God I’ve never believed in. I did this because I was all out of ideas on my own. All of a sudden I realized that I really want to be here. I really want tomorrow to be today. And so I tried. And then the day after, I tried again.

Failure isn’t to fear
the complex isn’t real
even though it feels like it is
hope always burns brighter.

A piano plays somewhere off in the distance
melancholy yet poignant
pain and joy are siblings
and families love no matter what.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. The face I see in the mirror is the face I’ve missed this whole time. And I know I’m still floating but my failures and hang ups are floating right there next to me with my hopes and dreams. There’s no longer an anchor because I’m buoyed by love. I know it won’t always be easy and I know that I’m not instantly all better but I’m trying and more importantly, I want to try. Everyday. All day. Each moment is one you never get back. Each moment matters.

Joy spreads
you can find it anywhere
if you know how to look
it doesn’t have to be hard.
Don’t fear the dark
but life needs balance
the equation is always different
but the math is actually very simple.

I choose to love with ferocity. Because the ones who love me back deserve my all. Every ounce. And I’ll gladly give it. Because there’s nothing more important. Every single day is a gift. Every single one is like Christmas morning. The joy is returning, even for the smaller things because when you zoom out, they’re all the same anyway. I am filled to the brim with love but I’ll somehow find a way to make room for more. I want more. I want to give more. I want the work. I want the struggle. I want the satisfaction. I want.

And I’ll shout, “I love you!”
to the ones who matter most
no more hiding from anything
even if a cloak seems inviting.

I was shown a path
bathed in warm light
which kept the darkness at bay
and allowed me to return home.